I started this blog to keep my family and friends updated. I figured it would stay within a small circle and people would just scroll by on Facebook when they saw I posted the link.
BOY WAS I WRONG.
Funny story actually. On Tuesday (the day after I posted my blog link on FB) I had an appointment with my primary care doctor. He basically just wanted to see how I was doing and lay eyes on me. Great man. Anyway, while we were in the examination room he just low key says “I hear you started a blog”. Tallahassee is a wonderful place. Oh, it’s so small at times. My mom and I had a good laugh about that.
Within twelve hours of me posting the link on Facebook there were over 3,000 views in six different countries. Once again I am truly humbled by the amount of encouragement I received. It reminded me how much good there is in the world. It’s crazy to me. People who don’t even know me have gone out of their way to make sure I know I am not alone. They shared their own cancer stories and they shared in the laughs and they shared in the tears. I even got a lasagna from a wonderful stranger (we have a mutual friend it wasn’t completely random). I still have friends, coworkers and family members who have not said a single word to me about any of this. Which is fine. I mean that. Everyone deals with grief and bad news and sticky situations differently. But a stranger spent their time making a lasagna for me. I just think it is really cool. It’s a lasagna.
I’m stuck in this moment. In this nightmare. My feet are set in concrete. All the while, life is still spinning. Even when you want it stop, it won’t. That’s the harsh truth about being sick. The price of gas is still the same and your car still needs it to run. Tuition still has to get paid. My credit card bill still has to be paid (I just heard some virtual judgments because “credit cards are the devil”. I’m in less than $600.00 of debt. No one freak out). The duties I do at work still have to get done. First instinct is to just sit on the floor and stay there and just be sick but you can’t. Life is still moving.
I made the decision to quit my job and just focus on school this semester so that I can still graduate. My last day will be August 26th and my last first day of college will be August 29th. Luckily my lease ended at the end of July and I moved back in with my parents, which has been an adventure of its own (anyone who has had to move back home knows what I mean). It has also been such a blessing. That is money I don’t have to worry about coming up with every month.
Tomorrow is my first chemo and I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff looking down into dark, stormy, alligator infested water. Oh and add some frogs because I hate those and really poisonous snakes and Jaws for good measure. I’m going to have to jump. I know that.