Eight months. Eight chemo treatments. Eighteen radiation treatments. I have made it to the other side of this thing.
I went into the doctor’s office expecting the worst possible news. But to my great relief she gave me the best possible news. I.AM.CANCER.FREE.I still do not think it has hit me yet. I celebrated with Starbucks, lasagna, champagne and cannoli.
I am able to start planning my life. Job hunt and get excited for a future. I know my friends are probably tired of hearing about it but it is such a big deal to me. More than I could ever express. I played it cool the best I could. I made it to tailgates and football games even when I felt like hiding in bed all day, went to Disney about three hundred times, and went to class four days a week even when I was in tremendous pain or felt like I was going to vomit at any given second. So I would always reply “I am fine” until it became a habit. An automatic response. Partly because I needed it to be fine but also becauseI didn’t want pity. I did not even tell my professors I was sick for goodness sake. But there were times where I was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying and vomiting into the toilet and trying to convince myself that this life was worth living. To keep on moving.
I am glad I did.
I wish I could say I learned something about ~inner beauty~ after losing my hair but I cannot. There is no way around it, being bald (when you have no other choice) sucks. I pine for my long silky hair every day. People would always say things along the lines of “well at least it is not permanent” like it was supposed to make me feel better. Permanent or not, it hurts all the same. Yeah, now I am rocking the heck out of a blonde pixie but I still do not quite feel like my self. There is something terrifying about not being in control of your own body.
I did learn something incredibly important about myself, however. How I personally define success. As some of you know I graduated from FSU in December with a big fancy degree in Real Estate. I always thought I would get some big fancy job in commercial development and make a lot of money and work all the time. That would be my life. That is how I defined success. Landing a huge job and making money. I cannot say the same anymore. I want a job that allows me to be in control of my time. I want to be able to travel occasionally and go to Disney with my cutie and enjoy my life now that I get a chance to. I want to actually like what I do not just take a job because it has THE title (if that makes sense).
In other news, I did embark on a new journey in the form of a twelve week old puppy named Riggs. He has been the best therapy I have ever had and the cutest little thing. There is so much joy (and frustration at times) in owning a pet. He takes up most of my time. In my other spare time I have booked a trip to Mexico in May with a slew of friends. I spent a week in New Orleans for Mardi Gras earlier this month. I am at a point where I cannot sit still. There is so much life to live and it took me having a cancer diagnosis to realize that but now I am telling all of the internet so that you all do not have to do the same. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. Always wanted to see Bora Bora? Start saving money, make a plan and go. People in your life bringing you down? Ditch them and remove yourself from that situation. Hate your job? Find a new one. Eat a cupcake. Get your cartilage pierced. Do karaoke. Life is too short to be afraid. (Except skydiving. I will always be afraid of that.)
Go live your best life because I sure plan to do the same.